


A New Hope

by textonym



Category: 18th Century CE RPF, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, F/M, Family Issues, Gen, Marriage, Mental Illness, Motherhood, Postpartum Depression, Recovery, Sad, Self-Harm, sad mom angie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-09-21 17:32:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17047526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/textonym/pseuds/textonym
Summary: I might change this title. Basically Angelica's life trying to recover from her illness. Read the tags as warnings please!





	1. Chapter 1

Angelica Church was 32 years old when she was involuntarily committed to a mental facility. She was surprised, upon arrival in the medical transport van, that it was not a dark asylum with cobwebs, iron bars, guards, and ghosts. It was, instead, nice. It wasn’t the word that would normally come to mind when one thought of a mental treatment facility, but it was the correct word to use here. It made sense. Angelica’s parents had enough money to make sure she had the best care in the world, and if that wasn’t enough, her husband’s income could certainly do the trick. That was part of the reason she was here. John had been watching her spending because she was shopping compulsively again. When she spent $75,000 on a coat, that concerned him, not because of the price, but because it wasn’t something she would normally wear. Actually, it was hideous. Angelica put it on and said so herself. Then she bought it with John’s credit card. He always told her that money meant nothing to him, which it didn’t, and that she could have whatever she wanted, which she did. But this was different. When John asked why Angelica would spend so much on something she called ugly, she simply shrugged her shoulders and said she felt like she had no choice. It was there, so why shouldn’t it have been hers? It was just a coat, for god’s sake, why was he so intent on knowing her reason for buying it?

_ If you didn’t want me to buy something expensive, you shouldn’t be making millions of dollars! _ she’d snapped at him. John then asked if she’d remembered to buy sneakers for their one year old, Catharine, while she was out. She said no. 

 

That was only part of it. The part she knew, the part she understood. Of course it was stupid of her to forget to buy Catharine’s sneakers, when that was the reason she went out in the first place. Still, she didn’t understand how that warranted being dumped here. It was just a small mistake. She thought of it as being dumped like trash, to get her out of John’s apartment for a week. He would call her to come back as soon as he forgot how to take care of the kids, she knew. It wouldn’t be forever. 

The facility reminded her of a luxury hotel as she looked at it before walking in. After she walked in, she realized it was probably a luxury hotel that was now converted to a treatment center. Of course, only the best care for Angelica would do, her family and husband agreed. In her father’s case, only the most private care as well. If she must be taken out of the home for treatment, it must be done with the utmost discretion. They didn’t want her being embarrassed because a gossip blog found out she was getting treatment and plastered it all over the internet. 

 

So, Angelica walked in, accompanied by the aides who were carrying her clothes, through the grand doors of the treatment facility. She looked at the painting on the wall above the reception desk. It said in big bold letters, “ **NEW HOPE TREATMENT FACILITY** ” 

 

She really wished that would prove true.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Angelica's life is like when she gets there.

Angelica sat down on her bed, looking around the room while the staff helped her unpack. The walls were completely white, something she hated. It was so plain and boring. It was like they wanted to make her more depressed. She missed her bedroom in the city with the pink accent wall behind her bed. Everyone was always surprised that John let her paint a wall in their bedroom pink, as if he cared what colors the walls were. He wasn’t a decorator, so he let her do whatever made her happy. Looking down, she saw a staff member trying to open her backpack.

 

“Don’t touch that!” Angelica said. She rushed over and picked up what she was so worried about, her favorite stuffed animal. A pink pig from the early 90s. It was one of the only things she had from her childhood. She usually kept it on the desk by her bed, but since John wasn’t here, she would just sleep with it. She wished John was here. What he must think of her, to send her out of their home, she thought sadly. How could he send Angelica away when she was such a good mother to their two young children? She was so worried about them, suddenly. She looked up at the staff member who was hanging up one of Angelica’s sweaters. She didn’t even stop him and tell him that hanging up a heavy sweater would stretch the knit out and ruin it. “Where’s the phone?” she asked. 

 

“It’s down the hall. You can use it when you’re settled in.” he informed her.

 

“But I need it now.” Angelica frowned. Her voice got quieter. “You’re ruining my clothes.”

 

“Sorry, what?”

 

“You’re ruining my clothes.” she said louder. “You’re not supposed to hang up sweaters like that.”

How could he not know that? Her entire wardrobe would be ruined by the time she got home- if she got home. After she fluffed the pillows on her bed, she turned to the full length mirror on the wall next to the door. It was the wall across from her bed. “And this shouldn’t be here.”

 

“Why shouldn’t it be here?” he asked her.

 

“Because it should be on the wall that’s on the right of my bed. Not in front of it.” Angelica directed him, looking at herself in the mirror. The black outfit she was wearing contrasted with her chunky white bracelets. Her hair was a little messy. Her makeup was smudged on one side. 

 

“It’s bolted to the wall.” he shrugged. There was nothing he could do about it, and he wasn’t sure why he needed to move the mirror to the right side of the room in the first place. “Someone will be in to help you soon.” he told her, before exiting the room. 

 

Angelica couldn’t believe how rude he was. She wanted to pull out her laptop and write a Yelp review immediately, but she didn’t have it with her, and she didn’t know his name either. After a few more minutes of her staring at herself in the mirror, someone came into the room. A girl who couldn’t have been more than 20, with dark skin and a bun on top of her head. She wore scrubs and black square glasses and looked at a clipboard in her hands. 

 

“Angelica?” she smiled, extending her hand. “I’m Maria. Nice to meet you.”

 

Angelica reached out and shook her hand. “How old are you?” she immediately asked. She wished she hadn’t said that after she asked, but it was already out there. 

 

“I’m 19.” Maria said.

 

“But how are you experienced enough to help me?” Angelica frowned. “You’re just a baby!”

Again, she wished she didn’t blurt out every single thought that came to her mind, especially when Maria looked a little offended by that.

 

“Mrs. Church,” she started, “I can assure you that I am very well experienced in my field. I graduated early. I’m going to be here for you whenever you need something. Think of me as your personal assistant for the duration of your stay.”

 

“Okay, Maria.” Angelica said. She could deal with that.

 

“Is there anything you need at the moment? Do you like the accommodations?”

 

“Well,” she sighed a little, “I would appreciate if the mirror weren’t directly in front of my bed because it gives me negative energy. And, I would also like to use the phone. And I’m hungry.” she said the last part quietly, but Maria heard everything.

 

“Of course.” she smiled. “I’ll take you to the phone and while you talk, they’re probably preparing lunch right now.”

 

“Okay.” Angelica mumbled. “Thank you.”

 

Maria nodded and led her out of the bedroom, down the hallway to another room where there was a couch and a phone on the table next to it. It was one of those office desk phones, so Angelica realized they were going to be listening in on her call the whole time. She knew because she did that at John’s office sometimes. (She really shouldn’t have listened in, but she had to make sure he wasn’t having an affair. He wasn’t. He just talked about stocks the entire call.) 

 

Angelica sat on the leather couch. It was comfortable enough, although she noticed a rip in the middle cushion. She reached for the phone and dialed John’s cell number, which was the only number she could remember at the moment. 

 

_ Ring Ring _

 

“Hello?” John said, “Is that you, Angie?”

 

“It’s me!” she gasped. “How’d you know!?”

 

“Oh, before it connected me, there was a recording letting me know the call was from your facility.” he explained. “How are you feeling?”

 

“I don’t know. I want to come home.” Angelica didn’t tell him how sick she felt, because she didn’t want anyone overhearing. She didn’t tell him how she was really feeling because she didn’t want to jeopardize her freedoms. She knew how these places worked. If she said she wanted to die once, she was never getting out.

 

“Are the accommodations to your liking?” John asked. “I asked them to make everything perfect for you. I’ve done everything I can to make you as comfortable as possible.”

 

“It’s alright.” she sighed. “I, um, I wish you were here.”

 

“I wish I were there, too. But let’s talk now, alright sweetie?” 

 

“Okay.” she mumbled. “Um… I don’t know what to say. What did you do today?”

 

“Well, after you left this morning, I was with Phil and Catie and we’ve just eaten lunch. I told them you went on vacation with your friends because you were unhappy.”

 

“My babies.” Angelica started to sniffle. She could feel the tears coming up. She was also a little shocked at herself because she realized she had forgotten about her children again. “Can I please talk to them!? Will you tell them I miss them and I love them more than anything and I’ll be back for them soon.”

 

“Of course, darling. I’ll let them know. Catie is taking her nap right now, but Philip is up. Shall I put him on?”

 

“Please!” Angelica squeaked out, tears beginning to fall from her eyes. There was a minute of silence on the other end, before Angelica heard a small voice come through the receiver. 

 

“Mummy?” Philip said.

 

“Oh!” Angelica gasped. “Hi sweetie! Hi Philip! How are you? Did you eat enough for lunch? Are you having fun with daddy?”

 

“Ya!” he laughed. “We play with the cars today.”

 

Angelica was full on crying now, because she could hear her toddler son laughing and smiling but she couldn’t see him and she couldn’t hold him. She held the receiver away from her face and took a deep breath before returning to the call.

“Mommy misses you so much.” she said. “I’ll see you soon, I promise.”

 

“Oka mummy.” he giggled. She could tell he was distracted by something and not really listening to her. 

 

“Oh, and be a good boy for daddy. I’ll be there before you know it.”

 

“Oka.” he said. He had no idea what she was talking about, but it was okay. 

 

“I love you, Philip. Say I love you too.”

 

“I love you Mommy.” Philip said.

 

“Good boy.” Angelica smiled through her tears. “Now give the phone back to daddy please.”

 

“Hey,” John said after a minute. “Are you feeling better now that you got to talk with Philip?”

 

“Yes. But I miss him so much. He’s such an angel.” she sniffed. “I wish I could hug him.”

 

Angelica looked up from the phone and saw Maria walking into the room with some other members of the staff. 

“Lunch is ready. We’d like you to come eat while it’s still hot.” Maria said. Angelica looked at the four people behind her and realized that if she didn’t hang up the phone soon, she would be physically brought out of the room. 

 

“Okay.” Angelica said. “Let me just say goodbye.”

 

“Of course.” Maria smiled. “You can always call back after lunch.”

 

Angelica nodded and turned her attention back to the phone. “I have to go eat lunch, baby. I’ll call you tonight?”

 

“Sure, I’ll be here. I’ll make sure I have the phone on me.” John said. “Enjoy your lunch, darling. I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” she sniffed, then clicked the phone back into the desk set. She smiled at Maria and stood up from the couch, walking out of the room with her and the other attendants. 

 

“Talking to your family?” Maria asked.

 

“My husband.” Angelica said. “And my son. I miss them. What’s for lunch?”

 

“Spaghetti.” Maria answered, showing her into the cafeteria, which was populated by a handful of patients and staff alike. She saw some doctors with white coats sitting around a table laughing, and at another, one man being spoon fed by an attendant. She didn’t want to be here. She didn’t know anybody. There was no one for her to sit with. “I’ll sit with you.” Maria said, seemingly reading her mind. “I know your first day can be overwhelming, that’s why I’m here.”

 

“Thank you.” Angelica said quietly as they sat down at a table away from the center of the room and all the loudness and business. Maybe this wasn’t going to be horrible after all. She looked at the wall and there it was again.  **“NEW HOPE TREATMENT FACILITY”**

Was there hope here? She didn’t really feel any.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can yell at me about this fic at angischuyler on twitter


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angelica's first night at the center. Will she ever figure out why she's there?

Dinner that night was steak and mashed potatoes with gravy. For sides, there was also corn and macaroni and cheese. The drinks available were water, juice, coffee, and tea. Angelica looked at Maria as she sat down with her plate.

 

“I’m kind of used to drinking wine with dinner.” Angelica said, with a small smile. 

 

Maria laughed. “Legally we can’t offer wine since there are recovering alcoholics here.” 

 

“That makes sense.” Angelica agreed. Wait, she thought. Was this a rehab facility she was in? Did she have a drinking problem? Maybe her family thought she drank too much. Maybe they thought she went out too much and spent too much. She still wasn’t sure what warranted her being sent here. She stared into the plastic cup filled with water in front of her. It made sense to her that there wasn’t glassware, because that could present a danger. The white plastic cup was the same color as her white bracelets. They were getting itchy, but she felt like she couldn’t take them off for some reason. She sat there, trying to figure it out.

 

“Angelica.” Maria’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts and back into the room. “Why aren’t you eating?”

 

“Oh. I’m sorry. I got distracted thinking.” she smiled. Angelica picked up her fork and brought the food into her mouth. She slowly chewed and swallowed the steak. It was not cooked to her liking, that was for sure. It was far too overdone and tough to eat. Forgetting about that, she focused on eating the corn and potatoes on her plate. That was good, at least. She finished all of her sides in between chatting with Maria, but she was still hungry. Oh well, she thought, there wasn’t anything she could do about it. 

 

“You should finish your steak.” Maria told her. Her voice didn’t sound very friendly anymore. Instead, she sounded like she was instructing Angelica on what to do, or even threatening her with a consequence if she didn’t do it. For the first time since she arrived, Angelica felt truly powerless. She was actually scared. 

 

“I- I don’t like it.” she stuttered nervously. Maria wrote something down on her clipboard and looked up at her again.

 

“I would recommend you finish it anyway.” Maria smiled. She was smiling but she didn’t look very nice anymore. “I’m not going to ask you a third time.”

 

“Okay.” Angelica frowned. “You don’t have to be so mean about it.” she mumbled, taking another bite. Painfully, she ate the rest of it and washed it down with her cup of water. “There. Are you happy now?”

 

“Was that hard for you?” Maria asked. Her voice was softer now. It was like she really wanted to know, she was genuinely curious about if eating steak was difficult for Angelica. Why would she care? And it made Angelica mad how Maria was now caring about Angelica, when she had just threatened her five minutes ago!

 

“No. It just tasted so bad. I hated it.” she complained. 

 

“I’m sorry you didn’t like the meal.” Maria said. “How do you feel about dessert?”

 

“Um,” Angelica sighed. “I’m kind of tired. It depends what there is.”

 

“Pies. Would you like apple or blueberry?”

  
“Um…” she mumbled. “I don’t really like either. Is there anything else?”

 

“No.” Maria said. “Which kind would you like?”

 

At this point, Angelica realized she didn’t have a choice. She was going to have to eat one of the two choices. What if she really hated the pie? What if it made her throw up? They would accuse her of throwing up on purpose! She didn’t want to do that, but if she ate something she didn’t like, it could make her sick! This place is ridiculous, Angelica thought. Where was the hope if she couldn’t even choose what to eat?

“Apple.”

 

Back in her bedroom after dinner, Angelica looked at herself in the mirror. She knew she needed to shower, but the door that presumably linked to her bathroom was locked. She also couldn’t get those stupid bracelets off her arms, and she couldn’t figure out why. She wished she’d never put them on. Angelica poked her head out the doorway to see Maria speaking to someone she didn’t know. This one was a man with short brown hair. He almost reminded her of John, if he were a little taller. “Maria?”

 

“Yes, Angelica?” Maria smiled.

 

“I wanted to take a shower. Where’s the bathroom?” 

 

“Oh!” Maria laughed, like she hadn’t realized Angelica was a person who needed to shower. “I’m so sorry. Give me one minute.”

 

“Okay.” Angelica said quietly. She looked around her room, sitting on her bed. At least she was able to bring her own pink satin bed sheets. She would cry if she had to sleep on those itchy hospital sheets. She remembered when she gave birth, she had to lie down on those crinkly sheets in the delivery room. That was the second worst thing about giving birth, she remembered telling John after. Her train of thought was broken again when Maria entered the room with some towels. She opened the bathroom door with the key on her lanyard, then gestured Angelica to go in. “You don’t have to watch me shower, do you?” she frowned.

 

“No, of course not. I’ll just be right outside. I won’t look at you.” Maria nodded. 

 

“I feel like I should take these off, too.” Angelica held up her arms, showing Maria the bracelets she was wearing. “So they don’t get wet.”

 

“No, it’s okay. They’re waterproof. You can leave them on.” Maria told her. She turned her back to Angelica, which was apparently the signal for Angelica to get undressed. Angelica wriggled out of her leggings and black top, then left her bralette and underwear on the floor before stepping into the shower. She felt the water hitting her, but it wasn’t very hot. She tried to make it hotter, but the dial was stuck. It was as hot as it was going to get. Angelica sighed deeply and picked up her body wash. This place sucked. 

 

After she was clean, she dried off and got dressed in her pajamas. She felt like baby, having to go to bed so early. She wondered if Philip was in bed already. According to the clock on the wall, it was 7:30 so he better have been in bed already, or she was going to have words with John about that. 

“Can I use the phone again?” Angelica asked, after she was changed.

 

Maria didn’t answer her question. Instead, she just asked her own question. “What time do you normally go to bed?”

 

“Umm..” Angelica sighed. “Maybe like 11? I usually have trouble sleeping though so I don’t fall asleep until like 2 or 3 on most nights. That’s why I stopped working.” 

She couldn’t understand what that had to do with her using the phone. 

 

“Mhm. Can we try something tonight?” Maria asked. Angelica nodded. “I want you to try to be in bed by 8:30.”

 

“Oh. Okay.” she said. “Since I had Philip, it’s been difficult to get to bed early because he’s so young. Maybe this will help me be less tired.” Was that why she was here? 

 

“Let’s hope it helps.” Maria smiled. She walked Angelica to the room with the phone and let her sit and call John again. 

 

_ Ring Ring  _

“Baby?” John said, answering the call.

 

“Hi, John.” Angelica smiled. “Did you put Philip to bed?”

  
“Yes, of course.” John laughed, his voice affectionate. “How was your dinner?”

 

“It was horrible.” Angelica frowned again feeling like she was going to cry. Her eyes welled up as she spoke into the receiver. “They forced me to eat this over cooked steak with no seasoning and it was so bad! I even didn’t have a choice to not eat it! I think that’s so stupid, like, you wouldn't have done that to me!”

 

“No,” John said. “I would’ve made you something you liked. But maybe you should give them another chance.”

 

“Okay.” she agreed. “Because you said I should, I will. Is there anything good on TV tonight? I don’t even have a TV in my room. Or a computer. It’s kinda sad cause I wish I could play the sims. You know that’s my favorite game.”

 

“Yeah, you’re always playing it.” John said affectionately. Before they had kids, Angelica would always sit in his office with her computer playing the sims while he worked. His voice got softer. “I’ll miss you tonight.”

 

“Aw, I know.” she sniffed. “I’ll miss you so much too. I haven’t figured out how I’m going to sleep by myself yet.”

 

John sighed. He knew this was going to be the worst thing for Angelica. She could barely sleep with John there, so how she was going to try to sleep by herself was beyond him. He tried to change the subject to get her mind off it. “Have you made any friends at the center yet?”

 

“Um… no.” Angelica said quietly. “I don’t think there’s anybody like me here. And everyone I’ve seen kinda scares me.”

 

“They scare you, Angel?” John said. She could tell he was frowning. He didn’t want her to be upset at all. “How’s that?”

 

“I don’t know. No one here is like me.” she said. Then suddenly, “I have to go to bed at 8:30.”

 

John looked at his watch, it was 8:21. “Maybe I should let you go then.”

 

“Maybe.” she said sadly. “I’ll miss you so much.”

 

“I miss you too darling. Goodnight. I love you.”

 

“Love you too, and Philip.”

 

“And Catie?” John said. It seemed like she’d forgotten again.

 

“OH.” she gasped. She’d forgotten Catharine again. How could she do that? “Yes and Catie. I miss her so much John. I love all of you.”

 

“We love you too.” John smiled. They hung up and Angelica was walked back to the bedroom by Maria.

 

It seemed like the 8:30 bedtime wasn’t clear to Angelica’s brain, as she lie awake tossing and turning for what felt like hours on end. There wasn’t a clock in her room, so she had no idea what time it was, and there was only a sliver of light coming in from the hallway, since she wasn’t allowed to shut her door. She was stuck in a void, falling in this weird limbo where she knew she’d never hit the ground. An attendant continued to peek into her room every so often to make sure she was still alive throughout the night. Angelica thought that was just silly, and it was preventing her from sleeping, so how was it supposed to help her? She wished John were there. He would help her. Angelica thought about every time she had trouble falling asleep, and how John would hold her in his arms and breathe with her slowly until she fell asleep. Even if it was late at night and he was exhausted, he’d stay up so he was absolutely certain she was asleep that night. He must have been so worried about her, Angelica realized. She just wished there was someone to hold her. 

 

Wait, Angelica thought. She had an idea. Since she had two pillows and a full size bed, she moved one pillow next to her and turned it on its side. Then she put her arm over it, as if she was giving someone a hug. For a minute, she laughed at herself, because this was something she used to do in college when she was lonely. That was before John. Angelica thought of another idea that might help her fall asleep too, but she didn’t know if that was allowed here and she didn’t want to get in trouble for it, so she decided not to. She held onto the pillow like she was hugging John, and tried to slow her breathing. Eventually, she was sleeping soundly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Angie :( I just wanna give her a hug.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mind the tags as warnings for this chapter please! It contains description and discussion of self-harm and suicide. Also talking about Angelica's depression and having delusions....

At breakfast the next morning, Maria sat in front of Angelica with a plate containing scrambled eggs with cheese, toast, and hash browns. 

“Would you like ketchup or salt and pepper?” she asked.

 

“Um,” Angelica was kind of scared to talk about the food at this point, after what’d happened last night. “Do I have a choice?”

 

Maria smiles at her, her eyes shining through her glasses. This was clearly a real smile. She thought Angelica was making a joke. “Of course you do!”

 

“Okay.” Angelica smiled a little, too. She looked at the plate in front of her and poked the white toast with her plastic knife. “I prefer rye bread.” 

 

Maria got up for a moment, and Angelica thought she was going to get in trouble for disliking the bread. But instead, she just came back with some of those little containers of butter. “Maybe this will help?”

 

“Yeah.” Angelica said. “Thanks.” She tried to eat the toast with the butter, but it had such an artificial flavor about it. She really didn’t like it. She kept eating it, though, so Maria didn’t yell at her again. She didn’t like that. Maria disappeared for a minute again, and Angelica glanced across the table at her clipboard. On a paper with Angelica’s name and photo she’d been writing notes.  _ Patient is difficult when asked to eat _ , it said. Angelica frowned. That wasn’t true, was it? She really didn’t like something so false being written down about her. When Maria came back this time, she was bringing coffee. 

 

“I added sugar and vanilla cream for you.” Maria said.

 

_ But what if I don’t like sugar? _ Angelica wanted to say. But to avoid being labeled difficult she just responded, “Thanks.”

Maria watched her drink the coffee and eat breakfast. Angelica was trying so hard not to gag while she chewed and swallowed everything on the plate. Maria wrote more things down on her pad of paper, then stood up. 

 

“Angelica, come with me.” she said. Angelica followed, unsure of where she was going or what she was doing. She didn’t even know why she was here. What was she getting treatment for? She didn’t know. She wanted to go home so badly. All she wanted to do was hug John and Philip and be with her family again. She walked down the hallway, looking up at the lofty ceilings and big windows. It reminded her of her home a little bit, except for the fact that it wasn’t. Maria kept chatting with her while they walked down the hallway, asking her if she liked to swim and what she liked to do with her son. Angelica told Maria about her plans to take Philip horseback riding when he was old enough, as it’d been something she’d always loved to do with her sisters. They stopped at the end of the hall and Maria knocked on the door. It opened and a tall brunette woman stepped out. She was wearing a white coat and silver glasses. 

 

“Hi, Angelica. Please come in and have a seat.” she said politely. Angelica did what she said. “I’m Dr. Ross. I’m a psychiatrist.” she explained briefly. 

 

_ Good, I can finally find out why I’m here! _

 

“I’m going to ask you a few questions, okay?”

Angelica nodded and she kept talking. 

 

“Do you know why you’re here?”

Angelica shook her head.

 

“Okay. Do you know who you are?” she asked. 

 

Angelica nodded. “I’m Angelica.”

 

“Good.” she smiled. Dr. Ross held up a photo. “Who are these people?”

 

“That’s my parents and my brothers and sisters.” she nodded along. What was the point of this? 

 

“And them?” she held up another photo.

 

“That’s my husband and my baby, Philip!” Angelica gasped. “I miss them.”

 

“I’m sure you do.” Dr. Ross said. She picked up two more photos. Angelica looked at them. They looked like two pictures of random babies from the internet. “Which one of these girls do you know?”

 

“Um,” Angelica thought out loud, staring at the photos. She looked back and forth from one to the other. She pointed at the baby in the pink hat, the cutest one. “Her.”

 

“Hm.” Dr. Ross frowned. She scribbled something down on her notebook again. Angelica was scared now, what had she done? Did she do something wrong? She didn’t know what to do. “Angelica, you don’t know that baby. That’s a stock photo. This one is your daughter, Catharine.”

 

“Oh!” Angelica gasped as soon as she heard Catharine’s name. She forgot about her again. How did that happen? She didn’t understand. Angelica was so frustrated with herself she began to cry. “I’m sorry.” she sobbed. “I promise I’m a good mom. I’m just tired and they looked so similar!”

 

Dr. Ross nodded, handing Angelica a box of tissues. She wiped her eyes and nose, then leaned forward, crying more into her hands. 

“It’s going to be okay, Angelica.” Dr. Ross assured her. “I’m going to help you. I don’t think you’re a bad mom.”

 

“Thank you.” she said quietly. “John does.”

 

“I don’t think John thinks you’re a bad mom, either. I think he’s just concerned for everyone’s safety. That’s what he told me. We spoke on the phone.” she explained.

 

“You did?” Angelica looked up, half curious and half terrified, “What did he say about me?”

 

“Well,” Dr. Ross crossed her legs. She took a deep breath and started reading the paper she was holding, “He brought up that you don’t seem to know who your daughter is. You keep forgetting her. And then when he reminds you of her, you get.. angry? You’re not eating enough and you keep losing weight, and then of course what you did when he tried to talk with you about it.”

 

Angelica was confused. She understood that she had a problem about Catharine, but what else could she have done wrong? “What did I do?”

 

“You don’t know what you did?” Dr. Ross asked for clarification. 

 

Angelica shook her head. “No.”

 

Dr. Ross nodded. Of course, Angelica could’ve repressed a bad memory but if it was so close to now, how could she just not know? 

 

Angelica was scared now. She was really terrified. “Did I do something bad?”

 

“Well… Yes.” she said. “Angelica, do you really not remember? Can you try to think back for me, to two days ago? Close your eyes. What did you have for dinner?”

 

Angelica closed her eyes and tried to think. “I had a cheese omelette for dinner.” Suddenly, she looked up, her eyes filled with tears. She remembered how angry she felt that night, when Catharine wouldn’t stop crying while she was trying to eat dinner. She was quiet as she spoke, her voice laced with fear. “Did… Did I h-hurt Catie?”

 

“No, Angelica. She’s alright.” Dr. Ross assured her. She frowned, looking at Angelica. “But you did hurt yourself. John tells me you said you were going to die so you could get away from her.”

 

“I said that?” Angelica shook her head. That didn’t seem right. “I don’t remember hurting myself. I don’t… I don’t do that anymore. I haven’t done it since a really long time.”

 

“You did it two days ago.” Dr. Ross told her. “John found you in the bedroom.”

 

“I don’t remember it.” she shook her head again. “Is he mad at me? Is he scared? Did I hurt him?” Now Angelica was angry, she felt like her body had been taken over and she didn't know how to get it back. Her hands balled up into fists and hit her thighs. “None of this would have happened if we never brought her home! I knew there was something wrong with her! I could tell from the second I held her! She’s literally cursed!” Angelica cried.

 

Dr. Ross didn’t say anything, but held out a tissue for Angelica again. Angelica was so mad. She felt like she was drowning in a pool filled with boiling water and there was no escape. Her life had become so much worse since Catharine was born, why couldn’t anyone understand that? It was like someone had switched her baby with a little demon imp at the hospital. Catharine didn’t sleep at normal hours, she didn’t eat a normal amount, and she hated being with Philip. She cried when anyone except John tried to go near her. Angelica was shocked that the “doctor” in front of her couldn’t tell the cause of her stress was this fact, and that she hadn’t done anything wrong. Dr. Ross continued to write notes on her pad of paper, then looked up at Angelica. She turned her swivel chair around to her desk and picked up a notebook and pen, then handed it to her.

 

“I want you to write down what you feel right now. Can you do that for me?”

 

Angelica nodded. She picked up the pen and wrote on the first page of the notebook.  _ I am angry _ .

 

“And can you write why you feel that way?” Dr. Ross encouraged her.

 

“Umm,” Angelica tried to think.  _ Because my baby is evil _ . She wrote. 

 

“I think that’s enough for today.” Dr. Ross said, seeing how stressed Angelica looked at this. “I’ll check in with you tomorrow. Maria is gonna take you to get your bandages changed. If you feel angry again, do me a favor and write it down and explain why, okay?”

  
What bandages? Angelica thought. She was so confused. She hated this place. She wanted to lie down in bed and cry. She wanted to call John and ask him why he would say things about her to Dr. Ross. She wanted to be home with Philip. She was scared again, but this time she was scared that being home with Catharine, Philip would be hurt somehow. She entered the hallway where Maria was waiting to walk her to her next stop. “What’s going on?” Angelica asked. “I’m scared.”

  
“Don’t be scared, Angelica.” Maria assured her. “Everything is going to be okay. We’re going to change your bandages and then you can lie down for a little while before lunch.”

 

“I’m scared.” she repeated. “I wanna go home.” She felt really stupid and especially guilty, as if she were responsible for hurting someone. She wanted to see John and tell him she was sorry for scaring him and that she didn’t need to be here anymore, that they could just go home and be happy together again. Maria brought her to a room on the other side of the building, where she sat down in a chair, like the ones at doctors offices. She knew from the smell of the room that she did not want to be here. It smelled so industrially clean, like she was about to have surgery. She hated it, in fact the smell was making her feel sick to her stomach. Someone came in, dressed in scrubs, and introduced himself to Angelica. 

 

“Hi, Angelica. I’m Harold. I’m a nurse here.” he said. Angelica looked up at him, but she didn’t say anything. He looked at Maria cautiously before proceeding, “I’m going to be changing your bandages, alright? It might sting a little, I’m sorry.” he frowned, apologizing in advance.

 

Angelica nodded and held up one arm for him, while he was getting together all the necessary supplies. She clenched her jaw in pain when the nurse removed the bandage tape from her skin. It was really on there. Then, he started unraveling the gauze that was around her wrist. Angelica felt sick again when she saw what was underneath. That was not “I feel bad about myself.” That was “I am going to die.” 

Even the nurse’s hands shook a little as he fully removed the bottom, blood-seeped bandage from her arm, which revealed how deep the gash was there.

_ You fucking freak! _ Angelica thought to herself,  _ This is a professional nurse and your cuts are freaking him out! _

 

She looked up at Maria silently, who was currently trying to be there for support and simultaneously trying not to look. “I did that?” Angelica asked.

 

“Yes, you did.” Maria said solemnly.

 

“I don’t remember it.” she shook her head. She stared at her left wrist. It was so deep. There were stitches. How could she have done that? How could she not remember it? Now she understood why she was here. She wouldn’t want that around her kids, either. She couldn’t fault John for being concerned for their safety. Before she could think of anything else, the new gauze was placed over it and sealed with bandage tape. 

 

“All better?” Harold smiled at her, “I hope that didn’t sting too much. Let’s see the right.”

 

Angelica held her arm out to him, actually terrified of what they’d find on this one. She stared at it and then she felt tears coming to her eyes when she saw. There were three stab marks. She did this? While the nurse finished changing her bandages, she kept her eyes closed until he was done. 

 

“There you go.” Harold said, still trying to be friendly and keep the mood up. 

 

“Thank you.” Angelica mumbled. She was thankful she could go lie down after that. When she got to her bed, she climbed under the covers and pulled them up over her head. She wanted to stay cocooned in there forever. She really was messed up. There really was no way around that. She felt no hope at all today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw that was so sad I just wanna give Angie a hug. I feel so bad for her and Catie :-(  
> -Please yell at me about this fic at angischuyler on Twitter. :-)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angelica's time at support group!

Before 

Angelica was having a problem, John could clearly see. Except, she couldn’t see it. Ever since they brought home Catharine from the hospital, she was completely different. At first, John assumed she was just tired from staying up with the baby, like he was, but there was clearly an underlying problem. Only, Angelica couldn’t see it. She lied down in bed one night, around 1:00, after finally getting Catharine down to sleep. 

 

“Hey,” she mumbled, leaning towards John.

 

“Hi,” he sighed quietly. “How are you doing?”

 

“Um, I’m sleepy.” she laughed. “But I’m okay.”

 

“Good.” John said. He kissed her and then she closed her eyes to go to sleep. A few minutes later, they heard Catharine crying on the baby monitor again.

 

Angelica started crying. “There’s something wrong with her.”

 

“Sweetie, just lie down.” John assured her, touching her shoulders. “I’ll check on her.”

 

“Why can’t she sleep like a normal baby!?” Angelica sniffled. 

 

“I’m going to check on her.” John said again, getting out of bed. “Just go to sleep, Angie. She’ll be fine.”

 

“There’s something wrong with her.” Angelica mumbled again, crying into her pillow.

 

John left the room and found Catharine. He picked her up and held her until she stopped crying and had fallen asleep again. He placed her back in her crib and left five minutes later. When he got back to the bedroom, Angelica was asleep. He put his arms around her and fell asleep, too. 

That was three months before Angelica was committed to the center. She thought about it a lot, especially when she was in her room by herself during the day. 

 

“Angelica?” Maria said, getting her attention. “I’m gonna bring you to support group, okay?”

 

“Oh.” Angelica said quietly. Support group. A group of people learning how messed up she was. She slowly got up from the bed and put a sweater on over her t-shirt. This sweater was so cozy, it was one of her favorites. The soft fabric on the inside comforted her as she pulled on her leather moccasins and then went down the hallway with Maria. They walked for a while, to another wing of the building. On the way there, Angelica felt so anxious about everything. She barely knew what she was going to do or say at the support group. Did she have to say something? Could she just stay quiet the whole time? She wished she could. When she got to the room and walked in, she was surprised. It wasn’t a group of chairs in a circle, it was two couches facing each other. There were also some TVs on the wall, all turned off, and some desks with computers, also all turned off. A group of women sat on the couches, but there was more than enough space for Angelica. In between the two couches was a coffee table with bottles of water, juice boxes, and packaged snacks. 

“You can have a seat.” Maria told her. “Why don’t you introduce yourself?”

 

Angelica nodded and cautiously sat down, smiling at the other women sitting near her. “Hello. I’m Angelica.”

 

“Hi Angelica,” the woman to her immediate right spoke up. She was pale with dark hair that went down her back. She looked to be in her 40s. “I’m Katrina.”

 

“I’m Danny.” another woman spoke up, this time across from Angelica. Angelica smiled at her. Danny was younger, maybe in her late 20s, with light red hair and tan skin. She wore glasses. 

 

“And I’m Mary.” Angelica looked up at the woman next to Danny. She had dark curly hair and light brown skin. Angelica noticed none of the other women were like her, meaning they didn’t have any bandages like she did. She didn’t feel very supported, but she tried not to let that put her off from being part of the group. 

 

“Let’s get started.” Maria smiled, sitting down next to Mary. She picked up her notepad and pen. “Since Angelica is new, can we explain to her what we do here?”

 

Mary nodded. “We talk about our feelings. And we try not to interrupt each other, and offer each other support and don’t judge.”

 

“Thanks, Mary.” Maria said. She added, “Anything you say here, we won’t judge you for it. We also don’t attack each other here.”

 

“Okay.” Angelica said quietly. 

 

“Angelica, do you want to share with the group why you’re here? Are you comfortable with that?” Maria asked.

 

“Yes.” Angelica said. Since Maria said no one would attack her, she felt a little bit better about sharing. “Basically, um, I tried to die… Because, um, sometimes I feel like my daughter isn’t really my daughter.”

 

“Oh my god!” Danny looked at her. “Me too!”

 

Angelica gasped. “Really? I thought I was pretty alone in that.”

 

“My real baby was stolen by fairies.” Danny explained. “They gave me a fake one and she’s an absolute monster.”

 

“Me too!” Angelica said. “She never stops crying! I don’t understand her. It’s like she’s a little demon.”

 

“Ladies,” Maria interjected, “Let’s try to stay away from using negative words to describe our babies.”

 

“What do you know, Maria!?” Danny snapped at her, “You don’t have a baby! You have no idea what it feels like for us!! You’re not even qualified to be here!”

 

Maria stared at Danny silently, then wrote something down on her notepad. “I think you should try to be a little more polite, Danny.” she said. 

 

“But my baby was stolen!” she asserted, starting to cry, “You don’t know how it feels! I hate you!”

 

Maria sighed and held out a box of tissues towards Danny. Angelica was nervous watching this unfold. What was going to happen to her? Was Angelica going to start snapping at Maria? At John? At her family? She was so scared. Her voice shook as she tried to continue what she was saying before.

 

“So I guess I am sick and I need to be here until I am better.” Angelica stated. 

 

“What do you hope to get out of this experience?” Maria asked.

 

“Umm,” Angelica shifted uncomfortably, picking at her nails, eyes on the floor, “I would like to be a good mother.”

 

“There’s no one saying you aren’t.” Maria said, trying to comfort her. “Does anyone else have thoughts on this?”

 

“I do.” Katrina said. “Well, I’m a little older than most new moms and so, I felt like I was unqualified to take care of my son because I’m not 25.” she blushed a little, clearly embarrassed at admitting this. “But I am trying to think positively now and not let other people’s expectations of a mother define me. I’m still a good mom, even though I get sad sometimes.” 

 

Angelica looked up at her and smiled. That made a lot of sense and resonated with her. Everyone else seemed to be in agreement, except Danny who was still crying into her tissue. She spoke up again.

 

“I want to be a mom but not to the baby they gave me! It’s not mine! I want mine back and my wife won’t let me try to get her back!” Danny lamented in tears. “It’s like she doesn’t understand that she’s not a real baby!”

 

“Danny,” Maria said, “Would you like to take a break from support group for today?” 

She was clearly concerned that Danny’s feelings, while valid, could negatively influence the other women there, especially Angelica seeing as she was the newest member. 

 

“You don’t get it!” she said again, frustrated. Danny wiped her eyes again then nodded. “I want to go back to bed.”

 

“Alright, that’s okay.” Maria smiled at her reassuringly. She scribbled onto her notepad then waved another attendant over to take Danny back to her room. “We can try again tomorrow.” 

 

“Okay.” Danny said, shaking. Angelica watched her retreat from the room, leaning onto the arm of the attendant. Is that going to be me? she thought. Unable to even speak to someone trying to help her. Going to bed at 3 PM. It wasn’t a very bright prospect. 

 

After support group, Maria stepped to the side of the room and allowed the women to have some free time talking to each other or watching TV or using the computer. Angelica immediately zoomed to the computer after hearing she was allowed to use it. 

 

“Don’t get too excited.” Katrina laughed, walking up next to her. “All the good websites are blocked.”

 

“No Twitter?” Angelica groaned as she saw the screen come up as “UNAVAILABLE” 

 

“No Twitter, Facebook, Instagram… you get it.” she said. “They don’t want us being exposed to anything that could potentially stress us out or contribute to depression. Don’t even think about trying to check the news.”

 

Angelica thought for a second then decided that she didn’t even want to know the news at this point. “Can I check my email?” she wondered out loud, trying to sign in to her google account. It worked. “YES I’m in!” she laughed. “Oh this is perfect.”

 

Angelica typed up an email to John, using his work address since he never stopped looking at that.

_ Hi baby!!!! I’m writing you from the center because they let me on a computer!! Haha I miss you very very much and please if you can send me some pics of the house yourself and Philip!!!! Today I went to a support group and I made a friend :) she is really nice and understands what I am going through. I am really sorry for scaring you and for what I did. I love you so much John I promise I will not die and I’m so sorry that I made you think I was going to I was so angry and I didn’t know what to do. OMG can you also send me some pictures of Catie being cute so I can remember her face. Pls respond ASAP ok I love you!!! _

_ Love Angi <3 _

 

She clicked “send” after filling the subject line with “FROM ANGI” so he would know. For the first time since she got there, Angelica felt happy. She was laughing with a new friend and writing love emails to her husband. She wanted to get to know Katrina better, and to talk to Mary more. Mary was sitting alone and reading a book, so Angelica decided not to disturb her. After a minute, she heard the message received tone come from the computer and turned back to it. 

 

_ Angi,  _

_ I am so happy to hear from you! <3 It’s wonderful that you have a computer there. How long is your computer time? Do you get it every day?  _

 

_ Please don’t worry about what you did. It’s in the past and there is no way we can change it but we can move forward and grow. I was very scared when I saw you but I am not angry with you for it. I just want you to be safe. I want you to be happy. I love you. _

 

_ We’ll still speak on the phone later of course. I’ve just been looking after the kids all day. Here are your photos. :) It’s too bad that you don’t have a camera/phone there to send me photos back ;)  _

_ I love you. _

_ Your John _

 

After his name, John had attached photos of Philip and Catharine, and one of himself since she’d asked. 

 

“That’s your husband?” Katrina asked. 

 

“Yeah.”

 

“He’s cute.” she smiled. “And your little ones are just adorable. Your baby girl looks just like you!” 

 

Angelica froze. What was just said? How could Catharine look just like her if she wasn’t hers? She was getting confused again. Katrina must’ve realized she’d said something wrong, because she frowned apologetically.

“I’m sorry, I hit a nerve didn’t I?”

 

“It’s okay.” Angelica managed to say, “I just don’t feel like she’s mine.”

 

“I’m sorry you feel that way.” Katrina placed a comforting hand on Angelica’s shoulder. 

 

“It scares me because I- I don’t want,”

 

“You don’t want to end up like… her?” Katrina guessed, referring to Danny. 

 

“I don’t mean that, I mean, I don’t even know Danny. It’s not nice of me to judge so quickly but…” Angelica sighed. “I don’t know.”

 

“Trust me, you’re not like her.” Katrina said. She looked at Angelica’s wrists. “You hurt yourself, right?”

 

Slightly cringing at her outright question, Angelica nodded.

 

“Danny’s not here because she hurt herself. She’s been here forever, longer than any of us. I don’t know if this is true but,” Katrina lowered her voice, “I heard she was committed by court order because she was planning on putting her baby in the oven.”

 

“Oh my god!” Angelica gasped. She was horrified, the poor baby. And poor Danny, who couldn’t see any other end. “Is the baby okay?”

 

“Yeah, she never actually did it but her wife found her journal with plans on when she was going to do it and turned her in.” she shook her head, “It’s sad. I couldn’t imagine loving someone who wanted to hurt our child.”

 

Angelica frowned. She felt like she was being judged now. Of course hurting a child was wrong! But Danny wasn’t in the right state of mind when she thought about doing that. She wasn’t evil, she was just sick and she needed to get better. And why did Katrina have to say that? Did John still love Angelica, even though she had a bad thought? She was scared that even though he said “I love you,” he could take it back if she didn’t get better. 

 

“I hope she gets better.” Angelica said.

 

“Me too, the poor woman has been through so much. It’s so sad. She isn’t even allowed to see her kid, and even if she got better and got out she wouldn’t be allowed to be alone with her. They ruled that she was an immediate danger to the baby’s safety.” Katrina explained.

 

“I guess that makes sense, they want to make sure her baby is safe.” Angelica nodded. “To not be allowed to see your child seems so hard.”

She’d only been away from Philip for a few days and she was already missing him. She couldn’t imagine her kids growing up and having birthdays without her there. 

 

“Katrina,” a voice came from behind the two women, startling them both. They jumped and turned around to see Maria standing there. “Are you spreading rumors?”

 

“No.” Katrina shook her head. 

 

“Well, I need to talk to Angelica for a minute alone.” Maria said.

 

“Oh, okay.” Katrina nodded. She walked away to the couches and picked up a snack. 

 

“Sorry about that.” Maria said to Angelica. “Did she tell you that story about Danny putting her baby in the oven? It isn’t true. I don’t know why she keeps telling everyone that. She’s making her life so much harder.”

 

“Oh.” Angelica said. She was so relieved that didn’t really happen. “I’m surprised at myself that I believed it when she told me. Maybe I was just scared.”

 

“It happens.” Maria said. “I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I know making new friends can be overwhelming.” 

 

“I’m okay.” Angelica said. Was she? She thought she was, but thinking about the lie Katrina just told her, she felt horrible. Was Katrina going to make up a story about her doing something bad, too? 

 

“Glad to hear it.” Maria smiled at her, “I’ll leave you to relax.”

 

Angelica nodded, then turned back to the computer while Maria walked away. She reread John’s email. She looked at the pictures again. She loved her kids so much, she realized. She wanted to get home immediately and see them. Looking at the picture of Catharine, she was not filled with anger. Catharine looked so adorable in the photos, too. She did look just like Angelica, but with John’s nose. Angelica thought to herself and stared at the photo for the rest of free time until she was called to dinner. She couldn’t believe that was her baby. They looked so similar. Why did that upset her so much? Maybe finding the reason behind that would help her get better, she decided. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Eliza!!!! We love a supportive sister

At lunch the next day, Angelica was given a choice of a hotdog or hamburger. Since she didn’t eat pork, she chose the hamburger with cheese. The sides that were put on her plate were French fries and coleslaw. Angelica felt sick staring at the plate. 

 

“Why aren’t you eating?” Maria asked her. 

 

“Sorry.” Angelica mumbled, she took a bite of the burger. “I don’t like coleslaw.”

 

“Hm,” Maria nodded. She wrote something down. “You have to take some kind of vegetable. Do you want the pickles instead?”

 

Angelica sighed. Pickles were not a much better prospect. “Yes.” 

 

This was going to be a long afternoon, she could tell. 

After lunch, she was taken back to see Dr. Ross. Angelica leaned back on the plush couch and stared at the wall while Dr. Ross took out her notepad. 

“So, Angelica, how do you feel today?”

 

“Um… Depressed?” she said. “I mean… I just don’t see myself getting any better. And I’m annoyed too.”

 

“It’s okay to have negative feelings. Why are you annoyed?” Dr. Ross nodded, encouragingly.

 

“Well…” Angelica sighed, “At lunch today I didn’t really like the food, but Maria made me eat it anyway and it made me feel sick. I wish I could’ve had something else instead.”

 

Dr. Ross nodded, continuing to write. “Sometimes we don’t get an easy choice in life, but we have to try to make the best of it anyway.”

 

What the hell was that supposed to mean? What was philosophical about not liking pickles? This was why Angelica hated psychiatrists, because they always had to make something out of nothing. 

 

“I don’t think it’s that deep.” Angelica huffed, “They’re just pickles.”

 

“So having to eat pickles annoyed you?” she clarified, to which Angelica nodded. “I’m sorry about that. We try to have a variety of foods here so everyone can get the nutrients they need. Why don’t you tell me more about what you like to eat?”

 

“Oh.” Angelica said, “I like most of the stuff my husband cooks for me. And I like cheese omelettes and chicken nuggets. And I also like fish, and um, turkey, and Chinese food.”

 

“Good to know.” Dr. Ross smiled, after she had finished writing all of that down. Angelica was hopeful that she would inform the kitchen of that. Although it wasn’t like she could just think of every food she liked on the spot. “Today I wanted to ask if you have a goal we can work toward together to help your recovery.”

 

“Oh,” Angelica thought for a minute. “Well, I want to get better. But I guess that’s a little out of reach right now.”

 

“Maybe you could come up with smaller goals, something you can work towards every day that will help you get better.” she explained. 

 

“Um…” she thought, “I want to… to stop feeling angry when I think about Catharine.”

 

Dr. Ross nodded and smiled at her. “That’s a good goal to work towards. What do you think we could do to help you not feel angry?”

 

I don’t know! Angelica thought. You are the doctor here! Just tell me how to get better already! 

“I don’t know.” she said. “Maybe I can talk to John about it. Since he’s with Catie.”

 

“I would recommend that we start by reaffirming in your mind that Catharine is your daughter and you love her.” Dr. Ross stated.

 

Even hearing that made Angelica’s ears feel hot. She felt like she was going to cry again. “But she’s not!” she snapped, tears starting to fall from her eyes.

 

“Angelica,” Dr. Ross frowned, “Why do you think that she’s not?” 

 

“Because my other baby never acted the way that she does!!” Angelica asserted, “and I don’t feel connected to her!”

 

“Hm. How do you think we can get that connection back? Angelica, I can assure you that all babies act differently, no matter who their parents are. Two identical twins will even act differently.” 

 

“Oh.” she breathed, “But she is always crying. She doesn’t let me hold her. She only stops crying when John holds her.”

 

“So maybe she is clingy. My point is, Angelica, there are plenty of reasons why your daughter might cry or act the way she does. None of them mean she isn’t your daughter.” Dr. Ross explained gently, obviously hoping Angelica would understand.

 

“Oh.” Angelica said. She felt kind of dumb for not realizing that before, but it did make sense. 

 

“I think that you’ve been having intrusive thoughts.” Dr. Ross continued. “Do you agree? Do you think that when you have bad thoughts about Catharine, they’re not something you would ever think by yourself?”

 

Angelica nodded slowly. “But who put them there?”

 

“One of the hardest things to deal with in having your disorder is the intrusive thoughts that comes with it.” Dr. Ross explained. “You have to remember that you’re not a bad person for having them.”

 

“Okay.” Angelica sniffled. She didn’t talk for the rest of the session, but listened to Dr. Ross tell her more about her disorder. She stared at the floor because that was all she could handle at the moment. 

 

That night, after dinner, Maria told Angelica she could come to watch a movie in the common area, or she could stay in her room. Angelica asked if the other women were going to be there, and she responded,

 

“Yes, and possibly another group from the center as well.”

 

Angelica felt so anxious thinking about going to a room filled with people she didn’t know. These people could be scary or even dangerous. What if somebody hurt her? She knew it was wrong to judge people on the basis that they were in a mental facility. She was there too. But she couldn’t stop being worried. She answered Maria’s question,

 

“Oh. No I don’t want to go.” she said. “I don’t really like movies.”

 

“Oh, that’s alright. You can just relax then.”

 

Angelica nodded. “Could I use the phone?”

 

“Sure. Let me grab someone to bring you down, since I’m going to be supervising the common room tonight.” she smiled, then left the room for a moment, returning with another attendant. “This is Natalie.”

 

“Hi.” Angelica said, trying her best to look friendly. She stepped into her moccasins and walked down to the other room with Natalie, with her blanket wrapped around her shoulders. When she got there, she sat by the phone and dialed John’s number. She waited while it was ringing for him to pick up, but he never did. Shocked, she stared at the phone silently for a minute. He wasn’t there. What was he doing? She knew he could be busy making food for the kids or trying to read to them or something, but he always answered when she called. Angelica wiped tears out of her eyes and tried to remember Eliza’s number, putting it in. 

 

_ Ring Ring _

“Hey? Is this Angelica?” Eliza asked. Her voice sounded hopeful, but worried. Angelica realized she hadn’t spoken to Eliza since she got here a few days ago, and felt guilty. She couldn’t believe she forgot to call.

 

“Hey.” Angelica said. “How are you?”

 

“Oh my god, Angie!” Eliza squealed excitedly. “How are you!? I was so worried when I heard-”

 

“I’m fine.” Angelica said, cutting her off. “Um, yeah, I just wanted to call and check in with you. How are the babies?”

 

“They’re fine. They miss you too.” Eliza said. “I.. I really miss you, though. Are you feeling better, being there?”

 

“I don’t know.” she admitted. “I think I am. I’m working on trying to remember myself right now.”

 

“That’s good! Hey, would you be okay with it if I came to visit you?” Eliza asked cautiously.

 

“Oh.” Angelica said quietly. “I- I mean… yes, but, I don’t want you to have to leave everyone to come see me.”

 

“Angie, I want to see you.” Eliza laughed. “I’m gonna call them and find out when I can come, alright?”

 

“Okay.” Angelica said. She would like a visit with Eliza, she decided. She didn’t want to visit with John because she knew he would have to leave at the end. Just like she was regretting calling her because she knew she would have to hang up. She pulled her blanket around her shoulders tighter and continued talking to Eliza, easily falling into conversations about what stupid thing Alex had done today or what the kids were doing in school. In the end, she sniffled when she had to hang up, but Eliza promised they would speak again soon. After the call with Eliza, she tried John again. This time, he picked up immediately.

 

“Angie? I’m sorry I didn’t have my phone on me earlier.” he explained. “Are you alright?”

 

“Yeah.” she mumbled. “I talked to Eliza. She’s coming to visit me.”

 

“Oh, that’s wonderful.” he said. “Are you excited to see her?”   
  


“Yeah.” she said. 

 

“Would you like me to come as well?” John asked. He also knew that if he came to see her, she wouldn’t want him to leave and it would probably just depress her even more.

 

“Um… I don’t know.” Angelica sniffled. Her head was so confused and she didn’t know what to say. “I- I’m just thinking like I want to see you but I don’t know.”

 

“It’s okay, darling. You don’t have to tell me right now, alright? Just focus on relaxing.”

 

“Okay.” she mumbled again. “I miss you.”

 

“I miss you too, honey.” John said. “Every day I’m thinking of you.”

 

“I’m thinking of you every second.” Angelica said.

 

“I’m thinking of you too.” he repeated. “Have the sessions with the doctor been helping you?”

 

Angelica thought for a minute. “Yes.” she decided. “She told me that I have thoughts in my head that aren’t mine and it’s not my fault that they’re there. So I shouldn’t be angry at myself if I have bad thoughts. I should just tell them to go away.”

 

“That’s very smart.” John said, “Have your- have the bad thoughts decreased?”

 

“Yeah.” she said. Angelica realized something for the first time while she spoke. “I used to hate myself for it.” she admitted. “Do you remember that time we were in bed and I started crying? And then you asked why and I told you that I thought about throwing Catie down the stairs but it wasn’t something that I’d ever do! And I just hated myself so much for thinking something so horrible. But… but it wasn’t my thought.”

 

“I remember that.” John agreed with her. “I knew it wasn’t something you would ever do, honey. There’s no reason to hate yourself.”

 

“I know… but I didn’t think of that before. And then it just made me think like… that time I was going to put lotion on her but I thought her skin would fall off.” 

 

“I remember that too.” he said. “But you just have to remember that it’s not your fault and that it isn’t real.” 

 

“It looked so real.” Angelica protested. She could feel herself getting angry at John but she wasn’t sure why. “Please don’t tell me what is and isn’t real because you have no idea.”

 

John sighed. “I’m sorry. Can I tell you I love you?”

 

Angelica smiled. “Yeah. I love you too. What have you been doing tonight?”

 

“Nothing really.” he said, “I was watching a movie with the kids and then I put them to bed.”

 

“What movie?”

 

“Moana.” 

 

“Oh.” Angelica smiled to herself. That was one of their favorites. “Are they doing okay without me?” she was feeling anxious that they could be missing her too much. And if her being in here was making Philip sad, she would break out the first chance she got. 

 

“They’re doing alright.” John responded. He had to be honest with her, though. “Philip keeps wondering where you are. I said you’ll be back soon, of course.” 

(The day before, John had almost cried in the grocery store because Philip suggested that if he bought mommy’s favorite food she might come back.)

 

“My poor baby.” Angelica sniffled. “Did you tell him I love him?”

 

“Yes, of course I did.” John said. “He knows, Angie.”

 

Angelica yawned. “I’m sleepy.”

 

“Yeah?” he said, “Are you going to go to bed?”

 

“Maybe. Although I always can’t sleep because I miss you so much.” she said.

 

“Aw, I miss you too.” John sighed. They were silent for a minute before John spoke again. “It snowed today.”

 

“Oh.” Angelica said. She hadn’t been outside since she was at the center. Maybe they would let her go out to see the snow tomorrow. “Did you go out with them?”

 

“Yeah,” John laughed. “Phil kept throwing snow at me and Catie was trying to walk in it. It was really cute.”

 

“I miss them.” she frowned. She just wanted to be home, on the couch by the fireplace, relaxing with her family. Sitting with her kids and drinking a cup of tea, it seemed like such a nice thought. How was Catharine doing without her if she was only a baby? She was barely one year old and she was already trying to walk? That didn’t seem right, but Angelica couldn’t remember how old Philip was when he started walking. What was the normal age again? She decided it didn’t matter at the moment and started listening to whatever John was talking about that she’d zoned out of.

 

“So then I’m gonna take them over to your parents’ house?” John asked her. Oops, she had no idea what he was talking about. 

 

“Um.. what?” Angelica asked.

 

“For Christmas I’ll take them to your parents’?” John clarified. 

 

“Oh.” Angelica said quietly. “What day is it?”

 

“It’s the 23rd.”

 

“Oh.” she sniffled. “I didn’t realize I was gonna be in here for the whole holidays and everything. I forgot what day it was.”

 

Even though they didn’t ever celebrate Christmas in depth, Angelica was pretty sad at the thought of being stuck in there by herself. All she wanted to do was be with her family. 

 

“It’s alright.” John said. “I’ll call you, okay? And I could come to visit you if you’d like, but that’s completely up to you.”

 

“I’m, yeah.” she said quietly. “You could. I think… I think I want to go to bed now.”

 

“Oh alright.” John said. “I love you, darling. Sleep well. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

 

“Yeah.” she mumbled. “You too.” 

Angelica hung up the phone and stood up to go back to her room. When she got back, she just shut off the light and got in bed, pulling the covers up over her head. She just wanted to sink into the bed and disappear. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor angelica :(

The next day, Angelica wasn’t feeling much better, but persevered to get out of bed because she knew if she didn’t she’d have to answer questions about it. And then she would never get out. When she rose, she changed out of her nightgown into a pair of jeans and a sweater, but it was cold inside so she put a cardigan on top. Since she had been there for a few days, Maria wasn’t knocking on her door the second she woke up. When she poked her head out of the room, she was there waiting to take her to breakfast. She managed to eat everything at breakfast, and went back to her room to relax. She spent most of the day reading and writing in her journal, before she went to get her bandages changed again. 

 

Her wrists had healed considerably since the last time the bandages were removed, or at least that’s what the nurse told her. Any serious medical concern for her health was gone by this point, other than psychologically. Then, she was taken to see Dr. Ross again before support group. She sat down on the soft couch in front of Dr. Ross, staring at the rug like usual. 

 

“Angelica, can you tell me how you’re feeling today?” she asked.

 

Angelica nodded. “I feel better.”

 

“Better than when?” Dr. Ross encouraged.

 

“Than yesterday. Than before. I’m… I’m glad they said my wrists are healing up.” Angelica breathed, smiling slightly.

 

“That’s good news.” Dr. Ross smiled. “Have you spoken to your family recently?”

 

“Mhm.” Angelica nodded. “My sister said she wanted to come visit me, but,” she sighed.

 

“But what?”

 

“Well, I don’t want her to have to leave everyone just to see me.” Angelica frowned. “She has kids and she shouldn't have to leave them just to see me.”

 

“How does it make you feel?” Dr. Ross nodded, writing on her notepad.

 

“It makes me feel bad.” she sighed, annoyed. Wasn’t that obvious? 

 

“Yes, but how?”

 

“I feel guilty!” Angelica said, forcefully. Why didn’t she pick that up? Wasn’t this lady supposed to be a doctor? “And… I’m anxious about her coming.”

 

“Why do you feel guilty?” Dr. Ross asked. 

 

“You ask too many questions.” Angelica huffed, crossing her arms. 

 

“Well that is my job.” she said, looking at Angelica. “So why don’t you tell me why you feel guilty?”

 

“Cause it’s stupid that she has to leave everyone just to see me! I’m not that important!” she sighed.

 

“Of course you are.” Dr. Ross said. “Let’s put it this way: If your sister were sick, would you go to visit her?”

 

“Of course I would!” Angelica asserted. Duh. She loved her sister.

 

“So, why wouldn’t you extend the same courtesy to yourself? Angelica, you are important. You matter to the world and to your family and to the people who love you.” Dr. Ross told her. “Your sister wants to visit you because she loves you.” 

 

Angelica frowned. “I guess.”

 

“What else is worrying you?” 

 

“Nothing.” Angelica lied. 

 

Dr. Ross decided not to press her on that and instead changed the subject. “I wanted to talk about Catharine again. Is that alright with you?”

 

“Yeah.” she nodded.

 

“Could you tell me what her birth was like?” Dr. Ross asked. 

 

Angelica looked up at her. “W-what?” She must have misheard that.

 

“I mean, could you tell me if you remember giving birth to her? And, what was it like for you?” she encouraged.

 

“Oh.” Angelica said. “Umm… Let me think for a minute.”

 

“Of course.” Dr. Ross said. Angelica sat in silence for a few moments, going over the day in her mind. She remembered her labor was really difficult, a lot more so than the first time. 

 

“It hurt a lot.” Angelica said finally.

 

“It always does.” Dr. Ross smiled. Angelica found herself laughing too. 

 

“Well, I… When I was in the hospital and I was in labor, it was so long, and I thought she was never going to come out! And then we were so scared.”

 

“Why were you scared?” she asked gently.

 

Angelica sniffled. “Because I had been in labor for almost the entire day, and the water still hadn’t broken. And then later on when she did start to come out, she was upside down. And I thought I was going to die.”

 

“That must have been very frightening for you.” Dr. Ross said sympathetically. “I’m sorry that happened.”

 

“Thank you.” Angelica frowned. “Do you have babies?”

 

“I have two kids. They’re grown up now, but they’ll always be my babies.” she smiled. Angelica smiled too. “The second time I had a baby, there were medical complications. I didn’t know if we’d make it.” she admitted. 

 

“Oh.” Angelica frowned. “Like me.”

 

“Yes. But she was delivered successfully?”

 

“Yeah, she was. They had to try really hard to not kill both of us when they took her out because she was upside down and I didn’t know if I was going to live and John was crying and I was screaming a lot and it was really really scary.” Angelica said. She hadn’t noticed, but there were tears streaming down her cheeks as she spoke. “But they saved us.”

 

Dr. Ross smiled and handed her a tissue. “Do you think the trauma of the birth caused a separation between you and Catharine?”

 

“I don’t know.” Angelica frowned. She didn’t. She hadn’t even thought of that. It was just that everything started going wrong when Catharine was born, and she didn’t know how to explain it.

 

Dr. Ross looked at her for a minute, then looked at the clock. “Well, we’re almost out of time. I think I’ll let you head down to support group, alright? Let me know if you need anything.”

 

“Okay. Thanks.” Angelica mumbled, standing up. She was almost through the doorway when Dr. Ross has the audacity to tell her “Happy holidays!” then she snapped. “How am I supposed to have a happy holiday when I’m stuck in here separated from everyone I love!?”

 

“I know it’s not ideal, but you need to be here until you’re recovered.” she responded. “When your sister visits, that’ll be nice, won’t it?”

 

“I guess.” she sighed again, finally leaving the room. She was so angry that Dr. Ross would say that to her. What a mean lady, she thought. To tell her all of that when she got to go home to her family at night. So rude. She couldn’t stand her. Angelica was so angry that night that she couldn’t stop crying into her pillow.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> will angelica ever be happy again !

“Angelica?” Maria called to Angelica from the doorway of the bedroom. Angelica had been relaxing in bed with one of her books during some of her free time. She looked up, slightly angry that her silence was disturbed.

 

“What?”

 

“You have a visitor.” Maria kept talking after that, but Angelica couldn’t hear it at all. “You don’t have to come, but I think you should.”

 

A visitor. Someone had taken time out of their weekend to come see her. It was likely Eliza, but a sudden anxiety hit Angelica that her parents might have shown up too. She really wouldn’t like that, her parents taking time out of their busy schedules just for her. Angelica nodded and closed her book. She walked, almost as if she were in a trance, down the hallway to the lounge where the visitors came. The room was decorated with a few sad looking Christmas decals on the walls. The budget of this place clearly wasn’t going toward decorating, that was for sure. And then she saw a woman from behind, kind of chubby, with long dark hair almost to her waist. She took a deep breath. 

“Eliza?”

 

Eliza turned around and gasped, rushing up to her sister. She threw her arms around her without thinking. “Oh thank god you’re safe! I’m so happy to see you! I was so worried, we were all so worried for you!”

 

Angelica sniffled, keeping her arms tight around Eliza. “I missed you too.”

 

“It hasn’t been the same without you, you know.” she told her. “I’m just so happy to see you.”

 

“I’m happy to see you too.” Angelica said. She wanted to say more, but what could she say? She felt like all the words inside of her had condensed into a lump in her throat and she couldn’t get them out. “How are the babies?”

 

“Oh they’re doing great!” Eliza smiled. “They’re with John and Alexander right now.”

 

“Oh no.” Angelica giggled.

 

“Ah, I’m so glad you’re feeling well enough to make jokes!” Eliza laughed. They sat down on one of the couches. “Um, Peggy wanted to come too, but she couldn’t get the day off. She’s planning on coming on Christmas, is that okay with you?”

 

“Oh.” Angelica said. It made sense that Peggy couldn’t get a day off, working in computer engineering. She was so smart. “Sure, but I don’t want her to miss out on spending time with you guys just for me.”

 

“Angie,” Eliza frowned. “I want to be here. And, to be honest, if I could be here on Christmas instead of at Mommy’s house, I would. She misses you, we all do.”

 

“Okay.” Angelica smiled slightly. “I’d love to see her too. Um, have you talked to John?”

 

“Yeah.” Eliza said. She looked like she didn’t want to tell Angelica everything that they’d spoken about. “He misses you a lot and so do the kids.”

 

“Aw,” Angelica sniffed. “I miss them a lot.”

 

“Yeah.” she smiled gently. “Have you been thinking about Catharine a lot?”

 

“Mhm.” Angelica admitted. “I feel bad for her. Cause I’m not a good mom.”

 

“But…” Eliza encouraged her, “You’re going to get better. And you know you’re her mom?”

  
“Um, I think so.” she shrugged. 

 

“Well that’s good!” Eliza smiled. “That’s progress, right?”

 

“Yeah, I guess.” she said. Angelica didn’t want to give herself credit for that because she felt like it wasn’t that much, and she should’ve known that anyway. It made her feel stupid that she even had to bring that up. She also realized Eliza’s eyes were on her hands and made it a point to stop fidgeting and picking under her nails. 

 

“How’s your eating here? I mean… are they feeding you enough?” she asked. Eliza, ever the caring mom, was extending her motherly skills to her sister. 

 

“Yeah. The food isn’t that good sometimes but I’m not allowed to skip meals or cut out any of the foods, since they want me to be nutritious…” Angelica said. Wait, did she just admit to skipping meals? She hadn’t meant it like that. She’d never skipped a meal on purpose, it was just that she was so busy being a mom and a wife and working on her website and all these other things that it was almost impossible to sit down and eat during the day, until John came home and cooked dinner. “I mean, I’ve never skipped meals but I don’t like a lot of ingredients.” she clarified.

 

Eliza nodded, “Well it’s good they’re looking after your health. But you’re right, it does suck that you have to eat stuff you don’t like.”

 

“It does.” she frowned. 

 

“So, I’m just thinking…” Eliza said, “Um, do you want someone to update your blog until you come back? Cause people have been wondering where you are.”

 

“Oh my god.” Angelica gasped. “I hadn’t even thought about that. Nobody knows where I am. I’m like missing.”

 

“Well, we know where you are, but-”

 

“But nobody else does! OMG Eliza you have to tell Brittany to update my Instagram until I can do it because it’s not normal for me to be away from my blog for more than a few hours. Wait, how long have I been here?” she asked. She didn’t even know. Time and space was eluding her.

 

“You’ve been here for 10 days.” Eliza said.

 

“Oh my god!” Angelica yelled at her. “I’ve been here for ten days?”

 

“Yes.” Eliza said, glancing at the attendant in the room who was staring at Angelica for yelling. “It’s alright, though, I’ll just tell John to post that you wanted to take a break from posting for a while.”

 

Angelica sniffled. “How many followers did I lose? Eliza, what the hell, why didn’t anyone think about that before they put me in here?”

 

“Not that many. Most people are just commenting like they’re wondering where you are. It’s okay, though, we can clear everything up and nobody will know you’re here.” Eliza assured you.

 

Angelica nodded, trying not to think about all of the progress she was losing on her blog. “Okay.” She was getting angry again. Why didn’t John think to update her sites for her? He was so clueless sometimes. 

 

“Um, are you gonna be okay?” Eliza asked, looking at her face. “You kind of look like you want to kill someone.”

 

Angelica frowned at her. “I’m fine. And I’m in this place, am I not allowed to be angry?” she scoffed.

 

“Of course you are. I’m sorry.” Eliza frowned. The rest of the visit, they just talked about regular conversation topics for them like whatever shows they were watching and news of what the kids had been doing. Eliza told her how her son had been doing in kindergarten, which got Angelica thinking about Philip going to school in a few years. She knew she’d be out by then. She hoped she would. When Eliza left, Angelica tried not to cry but she couldn’t hold it back when she got to her bedroom. She really wished she could go home with her. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guess whos about to be happy ;)

The next day, Angelica really did not want to get out of bed. When she woke up in the morning, she pulled her blankets up over her head and tried to make the sunlight go away. It wasn’t fair how she didn’t have light-blocking curtains in her bedroom. After five minutes of her staying in bed, there was a knock on her door.

“Angelica?” Maria said. “It’s time for breakfast. Are you almost ready?”

“No!” Angelica whined. She really did not want to go to breakfast. She’d been tossing and turning all night, and wasn’t ready to get up at 7:00. It was too early, and she was too sad to get up.

“I’m going to come in, alright?” Maria said. She opened the door and walked into the room, seeing Angelica hiding under her covers from the sun's rays coming through the window. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t feel well.” she sniffled. “Can I rest more please?”

“What doesn’t feel well?” Maria pressed.

“Um, my head hurts..” Angelica mumbled, peering out from behind her blanket, “And I’m kind of nauseous.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Maria gave her a sympathetic smile. “Do you think it would help if you ate something? I can bring a tray in for you. Maybe you could eat for me and then go back to sleep?”

“Oh.” Angelica nodded, trying not to cry. “Okay. Thank you.”

Maria left to get her breakfast tray. Angelica sniffled, trying to figure out why Maria was being so nice to her. She’d expected her to grab her and take her down the hallway to eat breakfast. It was nice of her to allow another hour for rest. When she returned, she asked Angelica to sit up and eat at her desk. As she sat down, she was still sniffling and almost on the verge of tears. She missed John so much. It felt like someone had ripped her heart out, but she was still alive somehow.

“Is there anything you want to talk about?” Maria asked.

“Um… no.” Angelica shook her head. “My head hurts.”

“Alright, I’ll be quiet.” Maria laughed a little, sitting down on the edge of Angelica’s bed. While Angelica was eating, she was writing some notes down on her notepad. After she finished, Maria smiled at her and picked up the tray. “I’ll come check on you in a little bit, okay?”

“Okay.” Angelica said, climbing back into bed. She buried herself under the covers again. She was so sad and alone. She wanted someone to give her a hug. Eventually, she fell back to sleep.

Later, she was woken up by Maria.   
“Angelica?” Maria said softly. “Are you feeling better?”

“Um,” Angelica blinked, trying to wake up. Falling asleep after breakfast was guaranteed to make her tired, and she didn’t want to get up in the first place. “Yeah.”

“That’s good.” Maria smiled. She spoke as she exited the room. “Why don’t you get dressed and get ready to see Dr. Ross, and then I’ll walk you over in a few minutes.”

Angelica sat up, looking at her closet. She hated being here because she couldn’t pick cute outfits to walk around and just be seen by people, not be hidden away in this facility where she couldn’t even do her makeup and take pictures of herself. That was what made her happy. It was comforting to her to look nice and put together, but in the center she was wearing the same sweater three times a week with the same sweatpants and slippers. She stared at herself in the mirror for a minute and pulled her hair back. Then, she went down the hall with Maria to Dr. Ross’ office.

Dr. Ross sat in her chair as usual, holding a notebook and pen.   
“I heard you weren’t feeling well this morning.” she frowned. “Are you better now?”

“Yeah.” Angelica said. She wasn’t really, but she didn’t really want to discuss it. They continued speaking throughout the session, and Angelica didn’t even realize the conversation had gone so quickly from saying hello to her actually opening up about herself.

“And I’m really frustrated.” Angelica continued.

“Why is that?”

“Because it’s not fair that I don’t know why I think some things! Nobody else I know has to do this! And it scares me because I’m terrified that I’m going to be somewhere important and just start crying or getting angry and I don’t even understand why!” she sniffled, her voice was breaking.

Dr. Ross nodded at her. “I understand that must be very difficult for you. I recommend that you continue to speak about that with your own therapist as soon as you can.”

“What?” Angelica said. What did she mean by that? Dr. Ross didn’t answer her for a moment and was looking through some papers on her desk.

“Here it is.” she smiled, handing a paper to Angelica. “Could you sign this for me so we can communicate with your therapist at home?”

Angelica looked at the paper.  
CONSENT FOR INFORMATION RELEASE FORM

“I don’t understand.” she said.

“You just sign it so I can communicate with your therapist at home.” she repeated.

“I’m… Am I going home?” Angelica asked. She was almost whispering, scared of the answer. Scared of the possibility that she might hear a no. But she didn’t hear a no.

“You are.” Dr. Ross smiled. “I’m authorizing you for discharge based on your improvement here over the past week and a half. You’ve improved quickly, but you do need to keep up therapy.”

“Oh.” Angelica said quietly. She was crying again. She was going home. She was going to see John. She was going to see Philip and Catie again. She was going to see her sisters and her parents. She was going to sleep in her own bed and be able to go out for coffee. “Oh.”

“Can you make arrangements to be picked up tomorrow?”

Tomorrow? That was so soon. She was going to see John tomorrow? But she looked horrible! She had no makeup or hair products to fix herself up!

“I- I think so.” she sniffled.

“Congratulations, Angelica.” Dr. Ross smiled at her. “I’m proud of you. You should be proud of yourself, too.”

“I… yeah, I think I am.” Angelica smiled a little.

After the session, Angelica practically ran down the hallway to the phone room. She knew at this time, John was probably working but she wasn’t sure if he would be at his office or at the house, so she just called him.

Ring Ring

“Angie?” John said.

Angelica could barely breathe, but spoke anyway. “John!!!!! Can you come pick me up tomorrow? They’re letting me come home!”

“Oh, really?” John said, sounding excited. “That’s wonderful, darling. Of course I can get you.”

“I’m so excited to see you!!” she giggled. “I haven’t seen you in so long.”

“Are you trying to make me cry?” John laughed. “I’m so excited to see you, too.”

“How are the kids?” Angelica asked.

“Oh, they’re fine.” he said. “They miss you too. They’re going to be so happy to see you.”

“I can’t wait to see them!!” she smiled. “Did they miss me so much? It makes me so sad how long I was away from them.”

“I know, but try not to think about that, alright?” John said. “Just focus on the fact that you’re coming home, and you’ve made progress, and we can all be together again.”

Angelica sniffled, smiling. “Yeah. I can’t wait to see you. I wish it was already tomorrow. Can we go to Krispy Kreme?”

“Of course.” John laughed. “We can do whatever you like.”

After the phone call, Angelica felt reassured that she’d be able to get home, but strangely she was shaky and anxious thinking about it. When she got back to her room with Maria, she sat down on the side of her bed and tried to breathe deeply.

“Are you okay?” Maria asked.

“I don’t know.” Angelica said. “I’m really happy that I can go home. But I’m scared. I- I know it’s silly but… what if my kids forgot about me? Or what if they’re mad at me for leaving them?”

Maria shook her head, coming to sit by Angelica. “Don’t think what if. Think about how happy you’re going to be when you’re at home surrounded by everyone you love. Think about eating your favorite food or going to your favorite restaurant or going on a nice date with your husband.” she laughed. Angelica laughed too.

“I’m gonna miss you, too, Maria.” she admitted. “Thank you for taking care of me.”

“I really enjoyed getting to know you.” Maria said, “I love helping women and it’s been wonderful helping you through a bad time. I’m really proud of you for getting through the worst of it.”

“Me too.” Angelica smiled. “And, I know that I couldn’t stay in here forever. But the real world out there seems so scary.”

“It is scary.” Maria nodded in understanding. “But I know you can do it. You’re very strong.”

Was she? Angelica thought. She wasn’t the same person who came into the facility. She was different now. She was better. It was scary to think about going back into the world and taking up the same role that caused her to break down, but she knew she wouldn’t be released if her therapists didn’t believe she was ready for it. She was ready. She could do it. Maybe she could even go back to work. There wasn’t any limit on what she could do now.

Even though she was scared, when she saw John the next day she screamed in delight and burst into tears upon embracing him. He kissed her head and wiped the tears from her face, telling her how much he’d missed her and reassuring her of his love. He helped her get her things into his Mercedes SUV, then opened the door for her to get in. She giggled and hopped inside, leaning back on the passenger seat. Looking out the window, she did feel a pang of loss at leaving Maria and the other women in her group. Would they recover too? She really hoped they would.


End file.
